Here at Global Blancmange plc, we do nothing by halves. Indeed, our blancmange spillage in the Thames estuary four years ago took on oil spill proportions, and made The Guinness Book of Records as ‘Tastiest Natural Disaster in an Urban Environment’.
Similarly, the induction process we visit upon unsuspecting new starters rejoices in three weeks of introductory meetings, broken only by reading vast tomes of company policy and strategy, large enough to make excellent tank traps but good for little else.
I watched my new room-mate, Sally Gulliver, Head of HR, about to tumble head first into this oubliette of good intentions. I pitied her.
But I had reckoned without her Dunkirk spirit, dear reader.
On her second day she walked into our office, stared me straight in the leaves, spread her arms wide and announced: ‘Yesterday I was so stressed by my first day here that I started talking to pot plants. Today I am cured, and will never talk to a pot plant again.’ She regarded me warily. Somewhat startled by this, I neglected to respond; unfortunately, she misread my silence as an admission that I could not talk after all, and started to dance a small jig around her desk. ‘Yippee, not mad after all…’
‘Sally Gulliver,’ I grumbled, ‘Kindly desist. You’re making my tendrils quiver. In any case, it’s far too early in your career here to leap to such conclusions.’
And leap was exactly what she did: a good three feet into the air. Really, are talking pot plants quite that unusual?
She picked herself up and dusted herself down. Now it was her tendrils that were quivering. ‘This place… Insane…’
‘Be that as it may, Sally, you are here to fix it. Probably you alone can fix it: I recognise talent, even when it’s dancing around my office. But first, you must work out how to meet the most devilish challenge of any new starter.’ I paused for a drum roll which probably only existed in my imagination. ‘How to survive your Induction.’
My roots jangled in anticipation.
There was a long silence broken only by the scratching of heads next door as the blancmange spillage technicians puzzled out how to contain the latest disaster.
Then she sighed. ‘I’ve had a day of it already. It’s almost like they’re daring you to come back and continue your career.’
‘A test of stamina worse than the job interview?’
She nodded. Then she seemed to come to a decision. ‘Right,’ she said. ‘You just watch me. I’m going to design an induction course to die for. And I’m going straight to the top.’
This was going to be fun.
Next Friday: Going straight to the top Bingleby was confiding in Richard Goff
It's a shame how many company induction programmes are boring, irrelevant or just plain badly run. Induction is very overlooked as a training programme - maybe its not as sexy as management training, but I firmly believe that a great induction is worth its weight (if at had any) in gold!
Get your induction right, and your new eager employees feel motivated, happy with their decision to join you and (if the induction is very good), able to contribute competently and confidently within a very short time.
I look forward to seeing what this characters response is, and how it relates to my own approach to designing inductions!
I personally have in the past been through some induction programmes which had left me thinking..."How on earth will I make an Impact"?
An interesting and efficient induction programme is certainly a motivator for a new employee.
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