Going straight to the top

Martin Simmonds knocks on the door jamb of our office. ‘Heard you wanted to see me,’ he snivels at Sally, ‘so I thought I’d come and see you.’

He basks smugly in the novelty of this.

‘Mind if I come in? Nothing formal,’ he adds, taking a seat. He thinks for a moment then adds: ‘Actually, I’d better have your seat. Looks a bit funny if the CEO’s being interviewed by the Head of HR – ha haaaa!’

He allows himself the kind of warm laugh carefully coached into him over many years by despairing consultants.

I watch them swap seats. Martin Simmonds was an accountant before he became CEO of Global Blancmange. This is not unusual, I understand. Organisations often feel people who understand numbers will understand organisations, even though it is not uncommon for organisations to also involve people.

‘So, Jemima – ’
‘Sally.’
‘… what’s on your agenda for this first week?’
‘Well, Martin – ’
‘First names already, eh? Excellent. Can’t bear it when people call me Boss, or Chief Executive - even Sir, sometimes! Nothing formal, that’s what the feedback said. You notice I’m not even wearing a tie?’
‘Oh. Yes.’ Sally frowns, unsure of the response required. ‘Fantastic.’
Martin imagines she is looking dubious. ‘You don’t think it’ll affect productivity, do you? If I don’t wear a tie?’
‘No, I don’t think so, Martin.’ 
‘Domestic blancmange sales dipped by 0.8% in the last quarter. Everything’s connected. Maybe it was my not wearing a tie?’
Sally nodded. ‘That, or the worst recession in living memory…’
Martin waves this away as if irrelevant to the performance of a business. ‘A butterfly flutters on the far side of the world… The CEO neglects to wear a tie visiting a blancmange factory in Basingstoke…’
‘Martin, I’d like to completely overhaul the induction process here.’
Martin Simmonds jumps as if a giant butterfly just bit him on the nose. ‘Really? Whatever for?’
‘Because it’s not fit for purpose, it’s not in any way aligned to what the business needs, and above all, it doesn’t help people joining.’

‘Induction isn’t about the people who are joining, Sally.’ He smiles indulgently at her. Though we have only known each other two days, I can tell that Sally would cheerfully like to strangle him with his non-existent necktie. ‘So what do you propose to do?’
‘I thought I’d ask the people who have been through our induction recently how they would improve it.’
Martin Simmonds looks alarmed. ‘Are you sure that would help?’
‘Pretty sure, yes.’
‘What if they say things you don’t like?’
Sally shrugs with professional insouciance. ‘Happens all the time in HR.’
‘What if they tell you to do things that won’t work?’
‘Then we won’t do them. This is about getting feedback and insights, not asking people to tell us what to do.’ Sally smiles sweetly. ‘That’s what we’ve got you for.’
   

Next Friday: What do you think of this, then? 
  
Bingleby was confiding in Richard Goff