The worst Office Politician in the world

I suppose we must be grateful for small mercies. Gabriel Silk, the Comms Director, didn’t walk into Sally Gulliver’s office twirling a large moustache, flourishing a large, black cape and laughing maniacally. 

But he might as well have done.

He sat opposite Sally and stared calculatingly at her for a full minute, a smile tugging at one end of his mouth as if determined to take it somewhere else.

‘For a Communications Director,’ observed Sally, ‘You’re not terribly communicative.’

I suppose Gabriel was thought good-looking – for a human, at least. However, he was the sort of good-looking that appeared to have designs upon you: you always felt he was trying to sell you something. Principally himself.

Unfortunately, these are the kind of observations it seems ungenerous to share. I elected to let Sally Gulliver discover most of this for herself; and, as her coach, suspected she had the judgement to do so.

I hoped I was right. After all, I would look “a proper Charlie” not warning a friend about the rattlesnake wrapped around their BlackBerry if it turned out they were none too skilled at spotting rattlesnakes.

Finally Gabriel broke the silence. ‘So: whose side are you on?’

Sally frowned. ‘There are sides?’

‘This is management. Of course there are sides. Lines have been drawn, Sally. Lines. Have. Been. Drawn.’

‘What sort of lines have been drawn?’ As an aside, she muttered to me: ‘If we’re lucky, maybe they’ll all come together to make a nice picture of a train.’

I muttered back: ‘Good. I’m very fond of trains.’

And by now Gabriel Silk was full steam ahead. ‘You’ve met Electronic Bob? In charge of IT. He’s about as much fun as a dead mouse. He and the Head of R+D, Nigel Binks, they form a kind of geek Axis of Evil. I tend to play one off against the other; it’s not difficult, they’ve barely got social skills, never mind anti-social skills. Our beloved CEO, Martin Simmonds, is terrified of Felicity Eagen in Marketing: there’s a rumour he’s got a thing for her, but it’s not true – I should know, I started it. Felicity doesn’t like Nigel or Electronic Bob, but sometimes she pretends she does, because she hates Helen Brown, the CFO, even though Helen doesn’t really seem to care about any of us. And then there’s Agatha Hamm… but you’ll see them all at your first board meeting next week.’

At this point, Sally Gulliver asked the only question a capable, sensible professional could ask. ‘Man alive,’ she said. ‘And as a team, do you ever get anything done…?’ 

    
Next Friday: God I’m Board

@BinglebyinHR

  
Bingleby was confiding in Richard Goff