Apprentice 5: Episode 7: Stop trying to be Hip because Porn sells and Engineers can’t do the Business

The Apprentice is getting to the critical stage and this was a critical task. Set up a new free magazine. Research (cursory), market testing (flimsy), production (scary) and selling ad space (more luck than judgement), made for a fun episode.

Natasha went nuts turning team Logic into team Leer. She was Ladette-in- Chief mixing sleaze with strategy and ogling with opportunity. Yes, it was the world’s first soft porn led business lad mag. Natasha definitely had an impact as she re-invented herself as the tabloid queen, reminiscent of Kathy Burke in Ab Fab.  She made crass statements such as “porn sells" and "the young guy with dollar in his pocket wants to blow his load". Unfortunately this was irony free. The wizened Julie Walters look-alike will certainly have put herself on the radar screen of all the porn led sleazers and shakers. But targeting what could be defined as a  crotch led marketing strategy worked, and one Media Buyer bought the whole edition.
In team Logic, only Tom and Helen, (whose somewhat genteel rejection of the approach was never very strong), challenged. Well done Tom for avoiding the Sugar stare again, and to Helen for her ability to survive.
 
Whilst Logic was crotch led, Venture were crutch led. Older affluent customers told them that they are fed up of being patronised by denture adverts and stair lift marketing. But the team proceeded to make a witless product which not only patronised older people, but did it with such tin- eared ineptitude that they may be attacked any time soon by the  Silver Cardigan Front. When you call something "Hip Replacement" you really are pursuing a USP (Ultra Stupid Puns) approach.

 As the fabulous Jenny Eclair said on "Your Fired" they might as well have called it "Colostomy Bag”. But again, big Alsatian Jim went with  Zoe's barking mad suggestion (although to be fair, she did have a design that worked and a good grasp of irony unlike Jim).  Jim also swerved the scaffold over his refusal to negotiate on the ratecard.

Once again he dodged the bullet by turning his patter zapper on poor Glenn and Susan - who were stunned, as was Lord Sugar.  Maybe Lord Sugar wants to use his sociopathic charm in a selling position? Maybe a pitch on the Roman Road to sell remaindered copies of Sugar's biography and Amstrad Emailers? He got it wrong firing Glenn. OK his defence of running the football social club was a bit of a weak gambit as blue chip business experience.  I myself was in charge of a biscuit tin which broke even, but I have never used it. On my CV.  Glenn was fired for being low key and having no impact on the task. Rubbish. He patronised the pensioners with the best of them.  Secondly being low key hasn't done Helen any harm and Glenn has been well up front and took risks in other tasks. But when Lord Sugar said "I've never seen an engineer that could be a good businessman", we knew that a deep seated animus towards the man who invented some of his less popular products was at work. James  Dyson, Roy Race, Martin Brennan, Steve Jobs, Bill Gates? Lord Weinstock? Yes these no impact engineers! Give me marketing people anytime!  Anyway Susan has clung on by the skincare business of her teeth, Glenn and Jim unbowed walked menacingly back into the house. Next week we have a French farce. Can't wait.

Liked:
Media Buyers attempt to sink “Covered”, the nakedly stupid business lad’s mag.

Loathed:
Carat Media for helping covered and Nuts Natasha  win.

Disturbing:
Tom as high functioning Heffner, casting pneumatic women in sultry “secs in specs” poses. Job for him when Natasha takes over Nuts?

Had enough of:
Susan:  Reaction to Jims bellowing phone calls "Hip Replacement. Everybody like it?"  Susan:  “no but I’ll go along with it.. It’s no problem”