I need happy thoughts in these nasty times...

OK, I’ve had enough of the ‘C’ word! I want to smile again and not feel totally stressed out for just a few minutes. 

Tell me a joke...

I’ll start.

Q: Why do Sweden, Norway, and Denmark put bar codes on all their ships?

A: So they can scan-de-navy-in...

  • In reply to Eric Brown:

    "Breaking News"

    A pie facory has just exploded. It could be heard 3.14159 miles away.
  • In reply to Eric Brown:

    I went to my allotment last week and found someone had covered it with two inches of soil. I went again yesterday and there was another two inches. The plot thickens.
  • In reply to Eric Brown:

    I saw an Irish dancing show on tv called 'Streamdance'. It wasn't as good as 'Riverdance', but then it's only a tributary act...
  • My first corona virus Joke:

    Boy to Grandad:-

    "Grandad, what did you do in the corona virus outbreak?"

    "Well lad, I was a rear gunner on lorries delivering toilet rolls".
  • In reply to David Perry:

    And just to interject something completely different, and making no great apology for the TS Eliot content, for it is IMHO more than very relevant, please read this:
  • Fred buys a hamster from a pet shop. He wakes up the next morning to find it’s died, so he returns to the pet shop to complain.

    The pet shop owner tells Fred to go back home and boil the hamster up with sugar to make jam, then spread the jam over his lawn. This Fred does.

    The next morning Fred wakes up, opens the bedroom curtains, and is amazed to see the most beautiful display of daffodils he’s ever seen flowering right across his lawn. He rushes down to the pet shop to thank the owner.

    The owner is confused. He can’t understand what’s gone wrong and apologises to Fred saying that everyone knows that you get tulips from hamster jam.....
  • Where do you find a tortoise with no legs?

    Doh, where you left it ...
  • A man goes to see his GP and says:

    Doctor, sometimes I feel like a wigwam. Other times I feel like a teepee. What do you think the problem is?
    And the doctor says:
    You know your problem? You're two tents ....
  • In reply to Clare Marie:

    Two donkeys are standing at a roadside, one asks the other: "So, shall we cross?" The other shakes his head: "No way, look at what happened to the zebra."
  • Just been to the chemist, asked the man behind the counter if he had any cotton wool balls. He said what you think I am a teddy bear LOL
  • With all the focus on soap (for a reason I will not mention) does anyone know the favourite shampoo of cats?

    Hair-ball Essences.

    Of Truck Drivers?


    Of Harry Potter?

    Wish and Go.

  • In reply to Owen:

    What do you call the man with the shovel at the bottom of a pit?


  • In reply to Peter:

    In response to David's introduction of some literacy legitimacy to this litany of light-hearted linguistic lunacy (isn't our language just fun all by itself?) there is another poem, dated in its associations and values, but one I nevertheless find both comforting and inspiring, for its simple encouragement: It's "If" by Rudyard Kipling.

    It is one everybody knows the first or last lines of, or makes part-references to, but the whole is also worth reading, if only once. Perhaps in our situation today permitting a tentative (and slightly humorous) change of the phrase "you'll be a man..." in its last line to: "you'll be HR...".

    (...and forgiving its dated sexism).



  • Steve Bridger

    | 0 Posts

    Community Manager

    14 Apr, 2020 14:43

    These are genuinely hilarious. Thank you.

    Please save some creativity for the Christmas caption competition.