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I need happy thoughts in these nasty times...

OK, I’ve had enough of the ‘C’ word! I want to smile again and not feel totally stressed out for just a few minutes. 

Tell me a joke...

I’ll start.

Q: Why do Sweden, Norway, and Denmark put bar codes on all their ships?

A: So they can scan-de-navy-in...

11138 views
  • In reply to Lisa:

    That really made me laugh!
  • In reply to Lisa:

    That really made me laugh!
  • In reply to Lisa:

    That really made me laugh!
  • In reply to Steve Bridger:

    Does anyone have HR jokes?
  • In reply to Lindesay:

    That almost begs the question: "Isn't that what some General Managers think HR is anyway...?" But that would be cynical and the sun is shining, so I won't say that....
  • In reply to Peter:

    Quite so Peter. In my time I've heard the letters 'HR' stand for:
    Human Remains
    or
    Hardly Relevant

    Bit steep ... :-(
  • In reply to Lindesay:

    The HR Consultant was surprised to get a call from the local Bishop, and even more so to be asked if he had any matches! Then he realised they needed someone to fire a Cannon....
  • In reply to Lindesay:

    Auditioning for the town's Choral Society, the HRBP was surprised to be asked if he could lift and carry a large box of music-manuscript from the store to their concert-hall, but then realised his role in the meetings was expected to be as note-taker....

  • In reply to Lindesay:

    An HR manager was tragically knocked down by a bus and killed. St Peter welcomed her at the Pearly Gates and said, “We will give you a day in Hell and a day in Heaven, and then you choose where you’d like to go for all eternity. You will start in Hell.” So St Peter put the HR manager in the lift and pushed the ‘down’ button.

    As the doors opened in Hell she stepped out into a beautiful park. In the distance was a beautiful building and around her were many professional people, all smartly dressed, happy, and cheering for her.

    She led an L&D session which went perfectly with everyone fully engaged. She held appraisals with managers and employees, who thanked her for her positive lead. She was told that any recruitment requests were always accompanied with full and realistic job descriptions. She found that the staff restaurant was always open and fully stocked, with a real barista service. She even met the Devil who was actually rather nice and took an interest in what she was saying.

    Before she knew it, it was time to leave. Everyone shook her hand and waved goodbye to her as she stepped into the lift and pressed the up button. The elevator went back up to heaven where St. Peter was waiting. “Now it’s time to spend a day in heaven.” he said.

    So she spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds playing the harp. At the end of the day St Peter returned. “So,” he said, “you’ve spent a day in Hell and you’ve spent a day in Heaven. You must choose between the two.”

    The woman thought for a while then said “Well, heaven is certainly lovely, but to be honest it was a little boring. I actually had a better time in Hell, so I choose Hell.”

    “So be it.” said St. Peter and took her back to the lift. When the lift doors opened she found herself standing in a desolate, open-plan, hot-desk office. Workers were dull-eyed, frazzled, and obviously overwhelmed. Phones were ringing off the hook, the printer had a permanent paper jam, and IT support had a notice on their door saying ‘Back in 5 mins’.

    “I don’t understand,” she cried, “it wasn’t like this when I was here yesterday.” The Devil approached, put his arm around her, looked at her, and smiled. “Yesterday” he said, “we were recruiting you, but today you’re staff.”
  • In reply to Lindesay:

    I was introduced to my company with this as a post in Teams

  • Steve Bridger

    | 0 Posts

    Community Manager

    16 Apr, 2020 14:20

    "I now have my daytime pyjamas and my nighttime pyjamas"
  • In reply to Steve Bridger:

    Doesn't everybody?
  • In reply to Teresa:

    Love it thanks!
    I have a manager who is always telling me jokes about other professions so this will be perfect for him
  • In reply to Teresa:

    Bee-Keeper.... Humming Resource Manager?
  • Jonny

    | 0 Posts

    CIPD Staff

    16 Apr, 2020 17:11

    Doctor, doctor, I think I'm a hypochondriac. No, that's psychosomatic, you are actually ill.