231

Things you want to say to employees but can't because you're professional...

Partly as a bit of fun, but mostly as an opportunity to vent...

Employee: "So what's my motivation for getting up at 5am to be on site for 7am?"

What I wanted to say: "Keeping your f-ing job? The fact that we pay you a salary far in excess of what your meagre skillset, dubious intelligence and questionable competence deserves?"

What I actually said: "Your professional pride in the delivery of an excellent service that our clients appreciate."

301658 views
  • Steve Bridger

    | 0 Posts

    Community Manager

    19 Jul, 2018 09:48

    In reply to Deborah:

    Oh, Deborah... we could have a whole forum just for that! ;)
  • In reply to Nicola:

    I have also said this............
  • Quite often Im faced with ( as I'm sure most HR are at some point) " I want more money" I haven't had a pay rise in X amount of time.. but then those same people moan about the amount of work they have to do when you try to develop them so they can earn more money...( clearly a lack of understanding but I'm sure most business's will not pay employees for a rate that isn't suited to the job) Would you pay a cleaner a directors wage?
    It would be wrong for me to write what my brain says....
  • moments when I have struggled to maintain my "neutral HR face" recently:
    - I have been here 11 months now, and it's been 5 months since I had a payrise so I think I should be paid more (your line manager thinks otherwise based on your performance since the last one)
    - it's been a complicated journey towards determining my sexuality but I am now sure that I'm (by this point I was mentally sticking my fingers in my ears yelling lalala)
    - I was shocked to realise that if I wanted to learn a new skill I would have to do it myself (er, yes, we can provide the materials but we can't learn it for you...)
    - why was my expenses claim for professional registration fees turned down? (Because it relates to your hobby not your job, and you didn't ask, you just sent us an invoice.)
    - why can't I continue to work full-time and get paid full-time while I do a full-time course for a year? (Er...really?)
    - some of my colleagues are teasing my about my hobby of pole fitness (may I suggest you stop demonstrating it in the kitchen?)
    [in response to asking about any skills they felt were under-used in their role] Well, I'm a really strong swimmer. (excellent, next time we need that on the 4th floor of a software co, I'll let you know).

    Can you tell I've just finished 80+ career development coaching sessions? I am people-d out!
  • Steve Bridger

    | 0 Posts

    Community Manager

    20 Jul, 2018 09:41

    A thread that keeps on giving... so thanks again to  for starting it.

    This popped into my Facebook feed this morning from my friend, Euan.

    As Robey said himself on another thread...

    “Humans are weird and for some reason we have decided to make them our profession.”

  • In reply to Steve Bridger:

    I could do with a little "boring", every now and then...
  • What a wonderful post Robey! After a truly awful week where I have seriously considered taking a step back from HR because everything I did seemed to have a backlash, it is great to know that we all go through the same things! Has anyone ever thought that "Referee for the impossible" might be a better title for our role?! Thanks for posting, this has made my day (and made my week little more bearable :-) )
  • In reply to Lyndsey:

    Sometimes it's more like putting kiddies back in their prams and picking up the toys they've thrown all over the place. Parenting can be a great preparation for some parts of HR work
  • In reply to Ray:

    I'm an L&D specialist, and the biggest part of my role is looking after our apprenticeship scheme. There are definitely times when I feel like a glorified babysitter!
  • In reply to Ray:

    I dunno...I can ban my kids from being in the same room as me but employees tend to frown on that...
  • In reply to Meg:

    I would adore being able to put some adults in a time out or on the naughty step!
  • In reply to Deborah:

    Absolutely this!!!

    "HR says..." <insert phrase which describes completely the opposite of what we advised the manager to do>
  • How about "Go and have a word with yourself!" I'm sure you heard that one in a past life Robey! :)
  • Tougher one today:

    "We appreciate you as an employee and a person and will continue to support you through your challenges with anxiety and PTSD."

    But I really wanted to add that her partner is a manipulative, gaslighting waste of space and her therapy will be so much more effective if he wasn't holding her back in life. He said her panic attack over one of her PTSD triggers was for attention over the weekend and I had to bite my lip so hard during a catch up with her.
  • Not to employees, but to candidates when rejecting their application (some not all): 'you have not been successful in your application because you don't meet any of the criteria for the role. Clearly you didn't read the advert before applying and you've wasted a lot of my precious time to have to read your CV and then send this rejection email to you. Please never apply again'.
    Obviously i would of course never send such a thing.