Things you want to say to employees but can't because you're professional...

Partly as a bit of fun, but mostly as an opportunity to vent...

Employee: "So what's my motivation for getting up at 5am to be on site for 7am?"

What I wanted to say: "Keeping your f-ing job? The fact that we pay you a salary far in excess of what your meagre skillset, dubious intelligence and questionable competence deserves?"

What I actually said: "Your professional pride in the delivery of an excellent service that our clients appreciate."

  • In reply to Peter:

    Haha, very true, Peter! For me that would be the same but "please don't tell me I need to change the whole org policy on this subject based purely on your personal opinion of what "you would like" as an employee/candidate etc". E.g. trying to get a manager to give proper feedback to someone after interviews and them refusing to do it "because I would hate to get a call with a rejection. Personally I don't want to know".
  • In reply to Robert James Munro:

    Last week it was one of the teams in the office turn to keep the kitchen tidy.

    Her: Can you show me how to use the dishwasher?
    Me: Put a tablet it and turn it on.
    Her: Can you show me where the dishwasher tablets are?
    Me: There they are under the sink with the rest of the cleaning products.

    Next day....
    Dishes filthy in dishwasher. Upon investigation, tablet still in dishwasher IN WRAPPER

    What I wanted to say...You're over 30 years old and still don't realise how to unwrap a dishwasher tablet?

    What I actually said (to the whole team): Who put the dishwasher on last night? Oh ok, well you need to take the tablet out of the wrapper first or the dishes will still be dirty.
  • In reply to Robert James Munro:

    Agree Robert I would have said what Lesley wanted to say apart from the "Wake up and leave, already!
  • In reply to Cat Jones:

    Ha... Ha... 2 men did come to work in skirt in my company. So the management gave in and let men wear tailored shorts
  • Great thread that keeps on giving!

    At a previous company we were offering a temp marketing assistant the chance to go permanent, this would be her first permanent role out of university, having done a series of temp jobs for her first year post-graduation. The temp was disappointed with the starting salary (ignoring the wide range of benefits that went with it) and said:

    "but I happen to know that X company next door has just hired a graduate for a similar role in their marketing department and they're paying her £7,000 more than you're offering me".

    Being familiar with the neighbouring company I replied: "Yes I'm aware of that, and understand she has a first class honours degree in Marketing whereas you have a 2:2 in Oceanography .... or course it is entirely up to you as to whether you wish to accept the offer or not"

    She did but I received a lot of sulky looks thereafter!
  • Amit

    | 0 Posts

    CIPD Staff

    27 Sep, 2019 11:57

  • Pay related comments really bring out the best responses to this thread, don't they!?

    Employee: I really think I deserve a pay rise.
    Me: Why's that then?
    Employee: Because I like my job and I get on well with the people here.
    Me: That's not really anything in addition or different to your existing role, is it?

    Not so much 'what did I want to say' more 'the face I wanted to pull'!
  • When a member of staff takes their laptop home on a Friday and then doesn't come in on a Monday or a Tuesday because they are sick but will work from home!

    I want to say - well that was very fortuitous of you. Are you able to predict the lottery numbers too?
  • In reply to Alys Martin:

    It is interesting as a reward lead that I have to have so many of these conversations, but 9 times out of 10 people have no appreciation of how a business transaction of employing someone for pay works and come up with reasons such as:

    "I deserve a pay rise"


    - Because I am sick and tired of saving pennies and I want to live big
    - Because I have 4 kids
    - Because I am 30 and still earn £20k and my family say I'm worth more (very unhelpful when their family are feeding into their feeling of worthlessness and they take it out on me)
    - Because I want to travel
    - Because I've been here a while a feel I deserve it (5 months+)
    - Because I saw you advertised another job in a different team and it paid £3k more
    - Because I am ambitious
    - Because I want more money
    - I know if you gave a pay rise to everyone who asks we'd go bust *lovely moment of alleged appreciation of the situation* but make an exception for me
    - Bob got more so I need more, too
    - Here is a random job advert with the same job title I have but paying £30k more - that's why
  • In reply to Maria:

    Maria, that has completely mirrored a couple of conversations I've had lately! After pointing out that the random job advert they'd brandished at me was for a much bigger company in a very lucrative industry where they would be managing a big team and handling a much bigger budget, they did acknowledge that it probably wasn't a fair comparison. :)
  • I've just seen this on HR Grapevine..... I'm not sure there is anything professional you could say to many of these complaints!
  • In reply to Laura:

    These are brilliant - thank you for a good laugh on a dreary day, my favourite is the turtle story :)
  • Today's is "are you 4 years old? When you poo every morning you have to flush the toilet afterwards and not leave it for the cleaner" Grim.
  • It's probably not a great idea, when taking lots of time off work due to the stress of a 'divorce', to post photos of you and your spouse on your public Instagram page enjoying a wonderful weekend away in a fancy hotel with the caption "Marital bliss"
  • In reply to Jo:

    So glad I'm reading this. Tells me I am normal after all...